What am I doing

Its two in the morning and I’m sitting on the forbidden(my roommates half) side of the living room in my apartment. Yes we split everything down the middle. A shame. Well I started in my room but the internet is shady in there for some reason and because my side of the living room doesn’t have any furniture, I had no choice…. I hopes she understands.

Anyway when I was in my room awaken out of my miserable nap by an alarm I set to attend my midnight show in lower manhattan, I decided not to go. A few reasons; one nostril decides not to work again, Im coughing, my body is saying “NO you need more sleep”, and there is a tiny sense of lost hope in my heart. The latter affecting me the most. I turn on my side and stare out to the rain, pick up my phone to send an excuse of my “no show” and just like that get into a funk…..

I roll over and sigh. Pick up my phone and stare at the empty spaces where my social media apps used to be on my home screen, put the phone back down because clearly there is no use for it and roll back over to the other side. I think to myself, “maybe I just need to go to church on sunday”… “maybe I need some me time”…. maybe I just need to watch some videos and find some inspire and get back to writing”….. I get the point.

I sit up, attach my feet to the floor, walk to the fridge and pull out the rice and beans I cooked the other day. Food!!!! The unconscious decision for a necessary therapy. “What are you doing?” I turn around… Did some one say something? Yes that was me talking to me! “WHAT AM I DOING?”

Its real out here people.

Two weeks ago I was celebrating my 25th birthday like I may not have another!!! The big 25!!!! I’ve reached a milestone in my life but yet I feel so unsure, a little lost, a sense of emptiness…. Is this real? I have soooo much to be thankful for and definitely have come a long way. The phone rings… I think to myself, “ugh, I don’t want to take any calls”… Im just not here today.

Then of course I go to google. Honestly I’m not sure if I should boast about always going to google because I’m sure there is an updated trend by now but as usual I see something that I like!

Let me tell you something! Google is like that friend who has been through everything you have been through and more. Even when you are in doubt its full of answers and words that you may have not been able to pronounce. (this is not an endorsement BUT if a google rep does happen to read this, send all inquiries to aminahimani@gmail.com)

Anyway I come across this article… Please tell me you clicked on the word “article” lol

Just like that… everything I was feeling in a nutshell:) This blog made me feel a little better. Even though I may find myself back at this place; 12 blogs behind schedule, canceling spots, and drifting into the lost place of uncertainty…. there should be more to this statement but it felt like a disclaimer so Im leaving it undone… what’s life without a minor setback huh?!

So excuse me as I continue to read, surf and write myself back to life!!! Hopefully after this I can get back to my wreckless ways… you know how I do, losing cell phones, tearing up jeans, and cursing randomn children out!!! lol

stay wreckless people,

Aminah

Just read this is another article “One has one’s doubts and discouragements — but they are only so many essential vibrations of one’s ideal.” -James Henry

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