I must say this week has been very trying for me. A slew of emotions that are hard to decipher through on which ones to acknowledge and which ones to act on; thus creating a difficult decision on how to be; inevitably effecting my mental peace…. Sounds like a complicated domino effect that I would only be able to comprehend.
For general comprehension, I don’t mind sharing some of these feelings. I would like to do something I learned in acting class. We were taught to call emotions. Emotions from this week include: Sensitive. Emotionally disconnected. Discontent. Indifferent. Unfunny. Insecure. Inadequate. Bothered. Moody. Frustrated. Depressed. Lazy. Remedial.
And then we were taught to call emotions from what we were getting from our classmates but in this case I will use what I was getting from my audiences when I would perform stand up. Those emotions were: (I will sum it all up in one word) bored.
Next I am to call an emotion on how this all made me feel. SUICIDAL, the old fashioned way preferably, people aren’t making this act too promising with the ineffective pills and mishaps:-)
Okay…. I am a bit dramatic, I know this. But in a nut shell this week was just not a good week. I felt off and really bothered. Usually I carry of sense of promise on and off stage with an ample amount of certainty that motivates me each day. I was just telling someone that I was thinking too much about everything and couldn’t decide what was quite the issue. I was insecure about messing up, making similar mistakes from before, and making bad impressions with my work. Then I realized these thoughts and feelings were pretty much all negative and I needed a reminder of some sort. Why did I feel the need to not be able to mess up nor make mistakes. Thats the purpose of life!!!
Gratefully I was able to call a FRIEND(yes I have those) and was willing to accept those words and a reminder for me to WAKE UP! I wouldn’t say I was sleep literally however one would consider it a bit delusional to prance(like a reindeer) around life thinking everything will be perfect and I will always feel this sense of certainty on and off stage. Sometimes I am extremely fearful of messing up that I don’t even take certain risks(RIDICULOUS). It’s that concept of fear that prohibits growth and development. Yes, I know this is a HUGE work in progress. But indeed, I am awake now(or at least for now lol)! I really needed this reminder to release this stress and confusion.
I can call this reminder a refocus and a recharge.
Now don’t go interpreting this message saying “yeah! Why not make the same mistakes, ! need to allow myself to breathe” because that is not what Im saying. What Im saying is when you are going through life making improvements, such as I, and is bottled with the fact that to get different results you must do different things but subconsciously you are doing things the way as you would always, Please allow yourself room to breathe and develop into what you would want to be. You have a focus but implement PATIENCE:-)
This week is all about Patience, because it is a virtue (granny told me that!)
So recharge and refocus! wrecklessly of course:-)
Peace and Love